Advice by Jenée Desmond-Harris
Each week in Dear Prudence Uncensored, Prudie discusses a tricky letter with fellow Slate writer (and her husband!)Joel Anderson, only for Slate Plus members. This week, they dig into “Accessibility Denied.”
Dear Prudence,
A few years ago, I suffered an injury which, as well as being permanent, makes walking very difficult and painful, and leaves me at risk for falling at any time. I wear custom orthotics that must be worn within shoes. I’m supposed to wear them as much as I can, which means I really only take them off when I am getting ready for bed, taking a shower, swimming, etc. I am wondering what the correct etiquette is when I am told that I cannot enter a residence without taking off my shoes. Some things to keep in mind:
The shoe covers from the hardware store are extremely slippery and honestly make it harder for me to walk.
Wiping off my shoes or washing them will not get them clean enough for this specific host (a family member), only sending them through the washer will, which I am not willing to do because shoes that fit ankle-foot orthoses are pricey and hard to find.
I cannot wear just anyone else’s slippers because I wear a hard-to-find size.
I cannot use my wheelchair within the house because the wheels have been outside and cannot be cleaned to the host's satisfaction.
It never occurred to me to bring slippers as in the past in this particular home, they have been OK with shoes on the first floor. (Also, traveling while as medically complicated as I am is difficult enough without having to take other people's floors into account.)
The host insists that their small children play on the floor and that if I knew how filthy the floors were and what germs shoes bring in, I would not be asking them to wear shoes in the house. They say that if it is so dangerous and painful for me to walk, I should just sit down the whole time.
—Accessibility Denied
Read Prudie’s original response to this letter.
Jenée Desmond-Harris: I chose this one because I noticed people were fighting online about some trolling opinion piece called Here’s Why I’ll Be Keeping My Shoes on in Your Shoeless Home (which I’m not linking directly to because I know they only published it because they knew it would cause a fight and I doubt the author actually holds that view). In that case, the writer was clearly wrong! But this letter is one example where the shoe-wearer is totally in the right. Agree?
Joel Anderson: For sure. I’m totally on the letter writer’s side, even as a known germaphobe. I know that we have to expound on this a little but the solution seems fairly simple—if they leave out the potential emotional strain of never visiting their family member’s home again.
Jenée: And the flip side of being a known germaphobe is that you’re always cleaning the floors. So I get that LW’s host’s kids play on the floors, but they could just decide that part of hosting LW means getting out the vacuum, Swiffer, or carpet cleaner afterward. Just like how you deep clean the bathroom every time an outside butt is exposed in there. It’s not every day!
Joel: Right, part of hosting guests is that you assume the responsibility for cleanup. I would prefer not to have outside butts on our toilet seats or outside shoes on our floors, but my desire to create a comfortable environment for our guests always takes precedence while they’re in our home. If it’s too cumbersome or disgusting, I’d suggest hiring a reliable cleaning service.
Obviously, that’s not going to happen here. But my question is: Why? Why does the LW’s family member apparently have no empathy for their their debilitating injury? What kind of relationship have they had in the past?
Jenée: As I said in my response, there are so many ways around this, even if they truly can’t tolerate dirty shoes on their floor. I feel like they’re acting like the sister in that one column who was putting meat juice in her vegan brother’s food. Just trying to undermine “loved” ones for no reason!
Joel: To me, they’re making it clear that they don’t want them as a guest. Also, let’s get real: Kids who are playing on the floor are going to be exposed to germs no matter what. Even this measure is futile. They’re filth magnets and putting your guest through the ringer won’t keep the kids from getting sick.
Jenée: Exactly. I will add that this writer included a long P.S. that they asked me not to publish because it included some potentially identifying details, but one thing that I think is OK to share is that they said, “I know a solution is to just not visit but I don’t want to miss out.” That’s very real. If the family is gathering over there, it’s not fair that LW should be punished. But also, I’m hopeful that if the family knows what a jerk the host is being, they might make another plan. If not, I just can’t imagine this is the kind of family that’s treating you well in the first place and I suggest reflecting on how those interactions are actually going and how rewarding they are.
Joel: Right! I think it’s totally fair to mention to their family the difficulty of going to this house and see if someone else might be willing to host. I’d hope at least one family member might step up OR be willing to confront the host for being an asshole. Like, this obviously isn’t an ADA violation because it’s a private home but they’re acting in the spirit of someone who believes disabled people don’t have the right to accessible venues.
And I might add, as someone who was recently confronted with the reality of eventual infirmity, it’s just good karma to be as considerate as you can in hopes that one day the favor will be repaid when it’s your turn to struggle to get around.
Jenée: Absolutely. We’re not disabled until we are. I mean you shouldn’t be an asshole even if you’re convinced you’ll be healthy forever, but maybe it would help for people like this to think about it that way.
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